Build A Brand with Rosie Parsons

Not Liking How You Look Is Ruining Your Income with Self Love Coach Lisa Kelly

December 22, 2022 Rosie Parsons Season 1 Episode 6
Build A Brand with Rosie Parsons
Not Liking How You Look Is Ruining Your Income with Self Love Coach Lisa Kelly
Show Notes Transcript

You buy yourself flowers. You look in the mirror and tell yourself you’re beautiful. But, you still don’t really love yourself. It’s all a ruse. You hope these gimmicks will magically make you love yourself, but they don’t. That’s because self-love isn’t about trickery. It’s about not distracting yourself from who you really are and truly owning every part of you. With self-love coach Lisa Kelly, you’ll learn how to practice self-love in a way that works and lasts. 

“It's about showing yourself that love and compassion and giving those parts of you that you normally avoid a voice and then working through what comes up.” - Lisa Kelly (06:05)

How self-love can change your life and business:

  1. You’ll be able to take advantage of more opportunities in your business without worrying about other people’s expectations and second-guessing yourself. 
  2. It’s easier to be the face of your business. You’ll be happier and more comfortable sharing your expertise and helping people with your knowledge.
  3. “Since I've accepted me, I don't need anybody else to accept me” (17:17) 
  4. “My bank balance doesn't affect who I am. My weight doesn't affect who I am. Men's op opinion men. Yeah. Men's opinions don't affect who I am. Because I like me and it's a really nice place to be” (17:45) 


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Lisa Kelly on Instagram 

28 Days of Gratitude From Rhonda Byrne

Brad Yates EFT Tapping

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Not Liking How You Look Is Ruining Your Income with Self Love Coach Lisa Kelly

Rosie Parsons  0:00  
Our guest today is Self Love Coach Lisa Kelly! We'll be looking at how important it is to speak to yourself with kindness, plus some great tools to break you out of low self esteem and to start loving yourself. 

Rosie Parsons  0:14  
Hi, Lisa it is so nice to have you with us today. Thank you for joining us. And it'd be great to find out from you as to why you became a self love coach. What's been your journey?

Lisa Kelly  0:25  
So firstly, thank you for having me, it is great to be here too. My journey then, oh, gosh, I feel like it obviously life is a is a roller coaster. I recently turned 35. And I feel like I'm finally maybe at the peak of the roller coaster where all my ducks are in a row and everything's aligning. But it hasn't always been that way. I've struggled with body image my life, you know, all my whole life. When I was younger, I was a gymnast I was into athletics, I was into everything you could name. Then I found friends and got bored of doing all these activities. And I started piling on the weight and I think I went on my first diet when I was about where it was for my prom, I must have been around 14/15 and sort of haven't really jumped off the the diet train since then. There's always been sort of that war or I was at war with my body. I went through a phase of bodybuilding. So what happened to me though, at the end of that was I realised that it doesn't matter what shape or size my body is, when I love me, that's all that counts. And I noticed that my friends never changed. If anything. You know, the more I've got to know myself, the better my relationships have gotten with those around me. It was about me accepting myself. So it's been quite a journey. I had a, I suppose How did I get into the self love coaching? It all came about mid pandemic, in the summer of 2020. I woke up one day couldn't really walk and had this bit of blindness in my right eye. And fast forward to December 2020. And they were like, Oh, you've got multiple sclerosis. And I was like, wow, they say what?! Like me Little Miss active Little Miss, you know, can do these things. I don't have that. I guess I do accept it. That's a whole different story. But anyway. But what happened at that time was I I really believe in the power of mindset and the mind. And I thought to myself, I know the situations that I've been in and I know the toxicity that I've allowed into my life where I was a bit of a people pleaser. When I say a bit - I mean quite a big one. You know, and I just allowed people to take advantage of me in different ways. And I was like, I've manifested this disease. You know, I've brought this on myself, which is quite mean. But I thought, yeah, the stress that I've been through in my life has got to this point. And I'm that it was July 2020, when I stumbled across a life coaching course. And I was like, Oh my gosh, like this is it. This is what I need to do. I need to really commit to changing my mindset, putting in the boundaries, loving myself so that I can keep myself well. And that's what I've been doing.

Rosie Parsons  3:19  
Wow. And you've been doing amazingly well haven't you'd like really popular on Instagram, you're posting lots of really positive posts, and must be really helping a lot of people. Do you get sort of nice feedback, and people comment, commenting and things? 

Unknown Speaker  3:32  
I do. And I feel very fortunate. Like, even when I was bodybuilding, I was part of a team where I was like assistant coach, and I helped people with more their weight loss journey, but their transformation, and it's something I've loved for a very long time. When you see people putting themselves first they start carrying themselves differently. It's not the big, like, humongous moment, it's all in the small pockets. It's in the like, I'm confident to go to this event by myself, I'm going to stand up for myself and block somebody that's really bringing my energy down. And it's when it's when you get that feedback and you notice like clients or friends or because most of my clients become my friends when they end up saying or you just hear the way that they're talking about themselves and the things that they're tolerating are not tolerated anymore. And it's like, oh my gosh, when we started our coaching, you weren't this person you didn't say those things you didn't have this opinion of yourself. And then when it just like it's almost coming naturally to them, you're like yes!!

Rosie Parsons  4:40  
Brilliant. So what's the process that you go through then when you're taking someone on this kind of coaching journey to self love then?

Unknown Speaker  4:47  
I think the first thing that we need to do and the first thing I do is we need to get real with ourselves and it's not about shaming ourselves and you know, you see all these things online. You know, in the self development world where it's like you need to accept yourself just as you are. But if you've woken up every day, and you know, you've got toxic relationships, or even the one with your body, when you look in the mirror, and you're like, Oh, I hate that, standing in the mirror saying, Oh, I love myself, ooh my body's a temple or whatever you're gonna say, you're not going to believe it. And you need to be honest with yourself about that. So it's like, obviously, we're a version of ourselves today, that has lived many lives and, you know, had many experiences and it's about allowing those experiences to come up, and instead of battering them down and saying, no, no, no, no, go away. Go away. Oh, you're you know, that's silly to still worry about that. That's silly that that still bothers you. It's like, how are you feeling? Like, hey, like, let's be real. Let's put all our stuff on the table, and get really real with what we really think. And it's showing compassion and kindness. Like it really starts there. And be Yeah, I suppose. So the journey to keep it on track, it is it's about Yeah, showing yourself that that love and compassion and giving those parts of you that you normally avoid a voice, and then working through what comes up.

Rosie Parsons  6:14  
Yeah, can imagine that gets quite emotional and things because that sounds Yeah, I mean, a lot of people who come in to see me for photoshoots, and most people struggle with something to do with themselves, even very confident women on the outside that you'd look at and think like, wow, and they come in, and they have hang ups too. And this is really interesting, isn't it? And yeah, such as fascinating. Yeah. Why do you think why are we so hard on ourselves?

Unknown Speaker  6:39  
I think we've been condemned, I think if you're a UK listener, and ourselves living in the UK, like we are conditioned to be the good girl, be the one to colour in the lines, you know, to abide by the rules. And, you know, there's a heavy influence on social media at the minute with this body type, that body type, you need this product, you know, they people expect us to stay young and thin for our whole entire lives. And it's like, are we supposed to embrace ourselves and get older and love who we are, when we've got all these messages about you need this filler and that Botox, and this hair colour, and that outfit and that car or you know, whatever it is, it's like, we're in a world where we're always trying to strive to do better, look better, be better. And it puts like, even if you're not aware of it, like the content that you can see me on social media, when you keep seeing, I think it's got better don't get me wrong, like a hell of a lot better. But you know, when you'd go on websites before and look at clothing, and it's like they only show a size eight model. And that, yeah, wherever you whether you acknowledge the fault or not in that moment where you think I'm not a size eight, so therefore can I wear that subconsciously? That's there. It's how marketing Oh, yeah, programming works.

Rosie Parsons  7:56  
Or when you buy that thing, and you put it on, you're like, that doesn't look anything like it looks like on the model!

Unknown Speaker  8:03  
Oh my gosh, like there's actually I think it was Lad Bible shared this lady who was trying on these clothes, and she's plus size and she's put these outfits on and her take on it was so funny, because she was like, if I lift my arm, I'm gonna rip the whole thing off. Like, this is not normal. And I think social media can be good for that now, like, especially with the TikTok platform where you can have a laugh and call things out for what they are.

Rosie Parsons  8:32  
Yeah, that's good. So why do you think it is so important, in our businesses to have self love? What kind of impact does it make in our business if we don't love ourselves?

Unknown Speaker  8:41  
For me, self love is the the underpinning foundation for everything like, Absolutely, whether it's business, relationships, money, it doesn't matter what it is it that is the foundation. And when you can show up for yourself with self love, and really honour who you are - flaws and all, you can be a better business woman because you'll know, you'll know when you're being lazy or when you need to show yourself compassion. And we can be really hard on ourselves. Sometimes, like when you're building a business, you don't want to miss any opportunities you want to, you know, strike while the iron is hot, and sometimes it leads to burnout. But it's like, actually, how can I do this in a way that nourishes what I need as a woman, as a person. When we've got that self love, for me, my biggest thing has been boundaries. Like I remember joking when I was at school with my friend and she was like, Do you actually know how to say no, like, practice with me? And she'd be like saying no, and we made a joke out of it. But actually, that that filtered into my adult life where I was like, I was I yeah, I wanted to be a high achiever and I wanted to do this and I wanted to do that and I was constantly on and can I do better? What can I do? And yeah, what was I say? Last thing But when you can instil those boundaries, like you're putting yourself first. And it's really, for me my own journey, it was really uncomfortable at first. Like, I can't even tell you how uncomfortable for me to put to be like, I want what's right for me, and letting go of people's expectations or opinions or comments, and doing it anyway. And yeah, that one. That's fun, right? 

Rosie Parsons  10:29  
I can imagine, it's like, I was going, I was seeing somebody and I kept trying to break up with them, and then they'd be upset. And then I'm thinking, this isn't the right relationship for me. But you just said, second guess yourself all the time. You're like, oh, maybe I won't find anyone that's better for me. So maybe it's just a stick because he wants to be around. And it's those kind of things as well, isn't it?

Unknown Speaker  10:49  
Gosh, absolutely. And we do. And we then we doubt ourselves. And it's like, oh, but if we make this decision, and then it backfires. Like, you know, if we make a mistake, I actually they weren't that bad after all, and I shouldn't have ditched them, actually. But we see that as another opportunity that we can put ourselves down, like, oh, you lost the good one, you let a good one get away, because you didn't realise what you've got. And it was, and it's like, you're allowed to make mistakes. And if you lean into that, what is meant for you will not pass you by like, it will not. What's for you is for you. And it will happen, whatever it is not just relationships.

Rosie Parsons  11:30  
Yeah. And I think also, like, if we've got low self esteem, then it's hard to put ourselves forward isn't it? It's hard to be the face of our business. If we don't like who we are, then we think why would anyone want to listen to me? Whereas if we can accept ourselves, then we're going to be happier about sharing our expertise and sharing our knowledge with the world and helping others. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  11:50  
And you and you do and you like, when you do accept yourself and you're not trying to fit into this mould or this, this category or this, you know, persona, that you're not. 1), you're not fighting yourself all the time, and 2) people know, when people are being sincere, and you know, authentic, and they're drawn to that, because, you know, it's like, you're getting the real version of someone. And there are the what are the 8 billion people on the planet, like, if one person absorbs your content and thinks, oh, I don't like it? Good. There's loads of other people. And the more you can be you, you know, the mask will slip at some point, it will slip it will, you know, I actually did, I made a mistake the other day. On my Snapchat, I didn't really use it, but I was having like a bit of a video singsong with one of my friends. And there was this song that I used to like, and the lyrics are quite rude. I'll be honest, it's I wouldn't play around children. Anyway, I was like, Oh, what was that song? And I quite like it. Because it's like, I played it to my friends once and they were like, that is disgusting. And I was like, Yeah, but lo incident. So I recorded that one thinking I'm sending it to just my friend and I put it on my story. Now, I didn't realise this until about, I was out that day. So at about 1am I was like, Oh, he never replied to my story. And I was like, Oh, I've got because I'm a part time teacher as well. And I tutor and I've got tutoring mums on by gosh, and I thought I made it this big deal in my mind. And I've only realised today I actually went to the House on Tuesday to tutor she didn't look at me any different. I you know, I didn't check if she saw it. I thought I'd rather not know at this. But it was like, Do you know what I do like that song. I do find it funny. I'm not gonna play in my classroom or anything. But that's part of me. And it's like, I felt quite confident owning it. And it was like, I removed it when I realised the error. I mean, my brother did say to me, you realise you got your niece and nephew on there. So I'm like, yeah, it was a mistake. It was a joy. to own those parts of you like not just all the way by myself flowers. I talked to myself kindly. It's like, when you make a mistake, you don't beat yourself up about it. And that used to be me. Like, if I was so used to doing things, right. And, you know, there's perfectionism. I did a personality that when I made a mistake, I couldn't handle it. And I would, oh, it would send me into turmoil for days, weeks even.

Rosie Parsons  14:29  
So how did you get past that?

Unknown Speaker  14:31  
I think it has been about just accepting me and getting to know myself. Like, again, I was a person that was very busy all of the time. Locked down, was I know it was very unfortunate for different people. And, you know, if I take it into a completely selfish context, myself during lockdown, I lived alone, single gal, and I had to meet myself as I was, you know, we couldn't go to the hairdresser's. I I don't have lots of things done, but I do get my hair coloured and I like to get my eyebrows tinted. So we've got overgrown eyebrows. And I was like, I'm gonna have to sit with myself and all those things that I normally do to distract myself from me. I'm gonna have to face myself right now. And I think it's something that I'd avoided for a long time. And then, you know, I was in this situation, you know, I'm now in my, what was my living room? What was my living room, my gym, my classroom, it was everything. And I had to get really honest with who I was as a person and decided my likes those parts of me or not. And when you can, the good thing about self development is, if you don't like something, you don't have to keep it. If I think to myself, Oh, I'm a bit of a, I don't know if I'm allowed to swear. Yeah, I guess, like, if I'm a bit of a dick, when I drink, then maybe I need to adjust my behaviour and not drink so much. Like, you know, I can look at where I'm going wrong in life, if you want to call it that, and adjust my behaviour accordingly. Yeah, and looked down, presented me with that. And it was like, which parts of me do I want to keep? And which ones do I want to develop? And which ones am I letting go of? And, you know, I think since then, like, that's when it amplified for me, and it's quite like, you know, I'm going to be bold and say, I really like myself. Like, I really love who I am as a person. I know myself quite well now. And I can listen my attributes and not think, oh, you know, what will people think of me? Because it's like, if when a woman or anybody owns who they are, and says, like, I know that I can be funny, and I'm good to be around, and I've got good personality. And if I say that, and somebody thinks, oh, she talks about She's full of herself, in my opinion, it's a bit of a mirror, because it's like, what's that person doing? Or saying that makes me either want to do it? Or why is it bothering me? Like, why is it bothering me? And again, sitting with those things, is really helpful to let your triggers if you want to call them them?

Rosie Parsons  17:00  
Yeah, definitely. So what difference Have you noticed in your life since sort of beginning to accept yourself and think how is life different now?

Lisa Kelly  17:07  
I feel very peaceful in my life. I'm not saying my life's perfect. And I you know, I still have the odd health issue. And I've, since I've accepted me, I don't need anybody else to accept me. I don't need the opinion of a man I don't need. Like for me, like I always say, I can wait myself. I'm not attached to the number. I made a joke once I said, Oh, I keep seeing the scales go up. So what did I do? I just put fake tan on it was like, Hi. Like, whereas I know, some of my friends, they'll weigh themselves and they're like, oh, that number, you know, and it's like, equally, my bank balance doesn't affect who I am. My weight doesn't affect who I am men's opinion. Men. Yeah, men's opinions don't affect who I am. Because I like me. And it's a really nice place to be like, again, yeah, I feel like I'm Yeah, it's like going from being at war with myself and disliking this bit. And that bit, and, you know, different parts of my personality to be like, You know what, I'm not perfect. It's cool. I try not to make mistakes, but you know, shit happens. And I can show myself love, passion and kindness. And I always say, I'm very single at the minute, I'm not even dating, and I'm like, it's gonna be really hard for me to meet somebody that will impress me, because I'm in an amazing relationship with myself. And my best day I've ever had all the things that I want, and I really look after myself, so yeah, it's gonna be whoever dates me or marries me, has really big shoes to fill because I've made them massive.

Rosie Parsons  18:47  
That's awesome. I love that. And yeah, it's wonderful to sort of feel that way. And it's quite, you know, mental resilience to not let other people's opinions of you affect how you feel about yourself. That's, that's very impressive. I wish I could be like that. And, and obviously, everybody has a different opinion of us. So there's no one truth. It's like, if someone doesn't like you, doesn't mean you're unlikable. It is that everyone has a different view of who you are and how much they like you, what they like of you  and things. So there's, yeah, it's really interesting.

Lisa Kelly  19:19  
I think with that, it's about detaching from from what it is like, we we know that say we, we went to dinner together, we are probably not going to choose the same dinner, and that's fine. Like that menu. There's nothing wrong with that menu, but you fancy the salmon and I fancy the steak, whatever. Like when we can detach from people's opinions that they're nothing to do with us, then you can live a much more peaceful life. Because it's like, for me, I'd rather you know, I've had situations and friendships in the past where I felt quite judged by them. You know, as I said, single gal, I'd be like, Oh my gosh, I slept with this person. You know, I shouldn't have done it and and then I felt very He judged in that moment, and I thought to myself, You know what, there's a lot of people in my life that never judged me, they accept me as I am. And, you know, and I, I'm actually going to start cutting out these people that make me feel judged. Because analysing who you spend time with and how you they make you feel once you've been with them is a really powerful tool. Like you can even it depends how you know, geeky you are, you can grade them, like I'm feeling energised, or am I leaving that person thinking I need to lock myself in a dark, you know, give me and he started even for me, I've had some really long friendships. You know, I live in the same area where I've grown up and was born. So I've known people, some people since I was three years old, like I'm 35. And they're the hardest ones to break away from where you're like, oh, yeah, this is we're friends. We've been friends a long time. It's like, Yeah, but actually, I'm not sure how I feel about our friendship anymore. And I've changed and where I want to protect myself a bit more. This isn't really working. So I've slightly distanced myself. And it's not about surrounding yourself with Yes, people. Because my, you know, my circle at the minute they will they'll call me out on my stuff that we like, yeah, you're wrong with that. It's like, fine.

Rosie Parsons  21:15  
But yeah, I guess it's knowing that they love you, isn't it? And it's coming from a place of love.

Lisa Kelly  21:20  
Yeah. And when you feel secure with that, like, there's in my inner circle, there's only a couple of people and if they tell me, please, you need to question I'm gonna question your behaviour there, then I'll listen. But people won't even think that they're not one of them people because I'm close with people, you know, but it's like, it's my core people that they they matter to me, or their opinion matters to me that I'll listen. But other than that, I just think, whatever.

Rosie Parsons  21:47  
It's good. That's a really good way of looking at it. So it sounds like you've made amazing transformation in your own life. Do you still struggle in any areas? Or are you completely like, No, I'm all that

Lisa Kelly  21:58  
I do struggle? I absolutely do it. I think for me, I like stepping out of my comfort zone, even though it terrifies me a bit every time I do I feel like the imposter in the room. You know, I went to I think it was in September, I went to like a mindset day in person day. And it was there was other coaches there. And I sat in my chair thinking, What the hell am I doing here? Like, you know, and I really had to grow into that to be like, I deserve to be here. You know, I deserve my seat at the table sort of thing. And, but it's still a work in progress. I mean, I attended a networking meeting this morning. And again, I had to introduce myself, and I'm like, What do I do? I didn't know what to do. Like. I'm like, my friend did. She'd invited me. So yeah, I took, I wrote down some notes. And I was like, I'm gonna have to stand here. I was so nervous, but I just thought, you got to feel the fear and do it anyway. And yeah, I'll probably never see these people again, if I don't go back. So just take for me, if I take every life all day, every day as an experience, then it helps, but I do. I still have really bad days, like, especially with body image as well. You know, I was having a bad body image day. And I'm like, oh, you know, I probably shouldn't be in that report and the booths together, and I should have done this and Oh, come on, you know, a beating myself up. And it was I actually really started one of my friends. And she said, I'm just gonna say this with love. I think you should binge your own content. I was like, Yeah, I hear that. Thank you. I definitely and yeah, I still get areas that I want to work on. Like, as I talked about being single, I'm like, how am I actually happy being single? Like, I'm very busy at the minute, but am I actually a little bit afraid of letting in love you know, I think that's my next area to pay my attention to. So yeah,

Rosie Parsons  24:05  
yeah. When you start getting these feelings of feeling nervous, anxious, worried about what other people think, like at the networking meeting? How do you move past that and kind of get yourself out of that

Lisa Kelly  24:16  
For me, you know, I've realised that I'm an anxious eater. So I, I suppose I recognised this years ago without recognising it then. But like, I'd be going out on a night owl. And I would, you know, everyone wants to feel good in their clothes. So my friends would be like, Oh, I haven't eaten dinner, you know, so I look a bit slimmer. And I'd be like, I've eaten everything. Like, I feel like I was quite nervous about going out. And I don't I don't really know that I'm not at the bottom of that one yet. And this morning, I mean, I never eat my breakfast till about quarter to a and I had to be up quite early, but I'm always up early. I'm on the way there and I was like, I've got the anxious munchies, you know, so I packed great and I'm like, You never eat at this time. If I was at home, I wouldn't even think about eating whereas on the way there, and I was like, for me, it's now I've got the awareness. It's like, I don't need to eat loads and loads, I just need a little thing that I can sort of settle myself. And yeah, when you can. For me, I always think it is that what do I need right now in this moment, sometimes it's a big deep breath. Sometimes it's, you know, sitting in the car with the radio off for five minutes, and just like listening to myself, because we too often just think, Oh, you're fine. Don't worry about it. Everyone else has got this figured out. And it's like, an under note, like, what what does I always think of it as being like, in a child me like little me? What do I need right now? And maybe it's just the hug, you know? Yeah. Or maybe it's just a reassurance of you're fine. It's okay. Like, we can do this. And yeah, sometimes I'm in the mood where I do hard things. And I repeat the mantra to myself, you can do hard things, you can do hard things, you know?

Rosie Parsons  26:03  
Yeah. And I guess what, when you were saying about how it's okay to make mistakes, that must take a lot of pressure off as well, thinking, even if I do mess up, it's not the end of the world lately. And

Lisa Kelly  26:12  
I think, I mean, sometimes I hide behind humour, but when you can laugh at yourself, and see the funny side of things. And it's like, sometimes you can laugh in the moment, and then you can think I'm going to explore that later with my journal, you know, that's something that I do as well. I did write that down as one of my tools is, I like to journal on, I'm a big journal, I've found it really, really helpful in my self development journey, but get all the stuff out the way that it is, like the chattering off, there's some little flying. Yeah, all the little chatter that's in your mind. So the other day I did it, and I wrote, I was writing down just free writing. And in my mind, I'm like, something's going on. I'm feeling a little bit anxious or on edge or uneasy. So I was like, get your pen out. So I started writing down and I did it like, like a child I want. So it was like, I want this longline delay from jinking, I want this, I want that. And then once I'd got all that crap out the way it was, like, I want to be heard in this situation, and I was like, oh, there it is. We've got all this junk in our head sometimes like, like, Oh, I think I need a new car. And I need this. And it just, it's all distraction from what we're really feeling. So my my tip in the moment is, journal out what you want, and eventually you'll get to the root of it, of what's going on for you. And it can be really deep and like buried. But yeah, if you can allow yourself that time and that space, then you, you can get to the root of what you're feeling. And you might not understand it, but you'll hear it, it will be there eventually.

Rosie Parsons  27:59  
Cool. So are there have you seen like in your clients that there's any frequent self sabotaging things that people do that you'd recommend that we look out for that we do might do to ourselves? Yes.

Lisa Kelly  28:10  
There's always one thing, the main thing I've noticed is that people don't prioritise themselves. So I noticed this more with people that are maybe in relationships, but it still happens, even if you're single. But it's when you think about the relationship that you're in with yourself, you don't really give yourself it's not a nice experience. I had somebody recently, it was like, oh, you know, when my partner partner works away, when he's around, I cook dinner, but when he's not, I just, I just have a slice of toast. And I'm like, like, it's about showing up for yourself in the way that you want to. And sometimes that might be cooking yourself a delicious dinner. But sometimes it might be, you know, sitting down with a cup of tea and thinking, I'm gonna give myself five minutes piece, but really connecting to that intention of, I'm doing this for me right now, because I love myself, not because I'm thirsty, not because I want tea. Like I'm awarding myself five minutes, or whatever you've got available, because I love myself. And when you start to do that, like attaching, because sometimes I don't know about yourself, I like to buy myself flowers. You know, I do think about what I'm doing. And I think oh, I'll treat myself to that book. I'm a serial book buyer.

Rosie Parsons  29:34  
Oh me too but not a reader. Just buy them and never read them!

Unknown Speaker  29:40  
But it's more on the 30% side than the 100! So yeah, I like doing these things with intention because we often do them all the time, just because but having that awareness that we're doing things because we love ourselves, has been a game changer for me.

Rosie Parsons  29:58  
Yeah, because I think my next question was going to be If you could give women three tips for being kinder to themselves, what would they be?

Unknown Speaker  30:03  
It's about as well carrying around old wounds. Like we do that all the time. And realising that you're not your past, you're just your present and your future and releasing those old wounds. That that's been, that's something that people carry, like some, you know, I often get there. I've never said that to anyone before. And it's like, oh, my gosh, you've been carrying that for such a long time. And like, I did that myself, you know, how good does it feel to let that's not my stuff anymore like ego you could have it has been a game changer. But my tips, my top top top top tip, which just overrides everything is if you're struggling with self love, and pouring into yourself, treat yourself like imagine, pick a day where you you've got a little bit more time and especially time to yourself, and say to yourself, today, I'm looking after a five year old mean, seven year old me, however old. So every decision you make that day has to be for the both of you. So if you like I know that we've children, we'd be like, You must eat your vegetables. You know? That boys be mean to you in the playground, you tell him what for? Right? Then we take that person on our journey with us for the day. And we apply that to ourselves. So we think, right? How can I nourish my body with food like I would a child who's in my life that, you know, we don't talk to me and people. And if people haven't got nice, nothing nice to say we don't talk to them, you know, all of that. Who in my life do I need to apply that rule to and when you can, yes to picture it, you know, you could do what you want. But carry a photo if you want. You've got that person with you all day, and you're going to spend the day looking after them, which is inadvertently looking after you has really been a bit of an eye opener for some people.

Rosie Parsons  32:09  
Yeah, that sounds really good idea.

Lisa Kelly  32:11  
And then I would say as well, I don't know, if I've got three, I can definitely think of do writing. That's fine writing a letter of apology to yourself. So we've often been, we might have been in a toxic relationship with ourselves, we might be quite mean. And you know, I think a spoke the other day about if, if the words that you thought about yourself appeared on your skin? One, would you still be beautiful? And two, what would people think of you. And I think I did a vote on my story. And it was about 80% of people were like, if my loved one saw how I spoke to myself, because the words were on my skin, they would be horrified. And I was like, it is about creating that awareness. And if you spend that time writing yourself a letter of I'm sorry for this, I'm I apologise for that. It's the way that you can start to heal and repair that relationship. So yeah, I would recommend doing that. And I think that stems into gratitude. I did The Magic by Rhonda Byrne one year, and it's a 28 day gratitude practice. And one of the days is about forgiving someone basically who's not sorry. And I, I chose my person who was very a very toxic entity in my life, and experience. And I wrote them the letter, and I forgave them for all the things that I wished that they'd say. And I'd love to say that I'll like that was the magic potion. But it wasn't. I actually did gratitude practice a year later. And I chose the same person to write that. It took me, you know, myself on my myself development journey two apology letters from them to me later for me to finally think, do you know what I let that go? So the point of saying that is if it doesn't work the first time, you might have to revisit it, you know, but when you can really show yourself that, that compassion of like, I get why you did that, and I get why you talk to yourself that way, but we don't need to do that anymore. And and then I suppose leading into then tip three is then how do you want to show up for yourself? Like, have you ever sat and thought about it? Like if I could be in the best relationship with me? What does it look like? And getting clear on that, like the perfect relationship with you? Because when you can start putting your ideas down on paper, you'll start doing them without realising you'll, you'll think oh, I wrote that down. And now it's actually part of my reality, which is always a nice thing.

Rosie Parsons  34:46  
Can you give me any any examples of that? Like, what is it good relationship with ourselves?

Lisa Kelly  34:51  
For me it was when I make a mistake, not being unkind to myself. Like that was the main thing that that negative self talk Look of oh, you left the straighteners on or, and that inner dialogue that was like You're such an idiot, like, oh look that could have set the house on fire that could have done that being like, it was a mistake. Like let's all sit in the room this was that voice me and be like, it was a mistake I need to be in future can I be a bit more mindful about making sure that they're switched off at the wall? And yeah, just acknowledging yourself because I like sometimes I do things. Oh, got another one as well. Sometimes I do things and I'm like, Oh, you don't know. That was like, Oops. And again, it's like that humour that compassion. And I like as I have mentioned once or twice, I'm single, but I love being called baby girl. Like, that's my nickname for myself. So I call myself it, because I'm like that what I want a relationship. I wouldn't. I like it when someone's like, oh, they might not call me that. They might call me babe. But I like pet names like that. So every morning in my journal, I write good morning, baby girl. Like that. And I'm like, I'm so cute! I love that. I tell you with my journaling an insight I sign it off every single time with I love you so much beautiful. And it becomes habit. And you know, I I haven't journaled today because I had to be up at like 5am or quarter past five. I'm going to journal later on, I know that I've done it in the past, I will put Good morning baby girl. And I'm like, Oh, you donut! It's nighttime. But I'm so used to calling myself that I'm addressing myself that way. It comes out naturally. And then I'm like, Oh, I actually have to think that it's not the morning. It's the evening. Yeah. So they do become habit.

Rosie Parsons  36:49  
Yeah, they become part of your identity. If you're saying that to yourself all the time, then you feel like somebody who is cherished, who is looked after and things who thinks of you that way, because you're saying it to yourself all the time. So that's yeah, that's a really nice way.

Unknown Speaker  37:03  
I've got another one just to add as well, like I can think of times where are two sort of similar examples. One, being poorly, and feeling bad about calling into work sick, because I teach three days a week. So when I, I know that I'm letting the team down, I know that it's hard. When someone calls in sick, it makes it hard for everyone else, loving myself enough to be like, this isn't about them, they might be cross with me. And I need a sick day, you know, wherever I'm just feeling a bit under the weather. Honouring myself that... has been a real... that's how I remember going into work. I couldn't actually speak I'd completely lost my voice. I had to get a TA for the whole day to be my voice. I mean, I was there. And I was like, I shouldn't have done that. That wasn't me putting myself first. And I promised myself next time I come up with that sort of similar scenario, I will not be doing that. I will be doing what's right for me, which was really uncomfortable. And I did. So it's like identified it didn't like something. So I changed it next time. And I did the same. You know, we can all go places when we don't want to go to places. And I was supposed to meet my girlfriend's for lunch and I was crying. I was having a bad day. And I text them. It was my idea that lunch as well like this is and I was like, I'm sorry, I'm gonna come in. And they were like, Oh, you'll be fine. It doesn't matter. You're amongst friends. And I was like, I'm not walking into Pizza Express having cried all morning. Like I'm not putting myself through that with I don't want to be around the public. You know, I'm not saying they were a problem. But I don't want people on other tables looking at me being like, Oh, she's been crying all day. Or oh, look, look at that soggy sue over there. We've got a soggy pizza. It was like that would be throwing myself to the lions and I'm not doing it. I am not doing it. So I cancelled 20 minutes before I was supposed to go to the lunch that I'd planned. And I was like, it wasn't it wasn't comfortable. But I was like, I promised myself that I'd never put myself in a situation again. So next time, it's like you could maybe decide a little bit before about it's about how can I I know what I need. How can I show up a little bit better next time?

Rosie Parsons  39:21  
Yeah, yeah, that's great. So finally could you like what's what's the next step either to people working with you or what resources do you know of that's kind of the next step of people kind of stepping into their self love self acceptance. Can you recommend any additional resources that you could recommend to help build self esteem and self love. 

Lisa Kelly  39:40  
Yeah, absolutely. I I'm going to be hosting a free masterclass in January at some point which is going to be all about building your self love, focusing on body image because we know what January is like for oh, I should be on a diet and let me beat myself up for the whole of January for not doing what society expects me to. So come along to that. And if you go on my website, I've got a, like a self care planner and a couple of freebies on there, I would firstly recommend the resource that we've all got. And that's intention and schedule scheduling out in your diary some time for you. And you might choose that to put you know, to run a bubble bath and, and have a little bit of a pamper, and all of those kinds of things. Or you might actually choose to spend that time thinking what relationships aren't working for me and my life right now, I'm going to spend half an hour getting really clear with myself and making a bit of an action plan to go forward of who you want or don't want in your life. Because also, again, another one, it's not a resource as such, but if there's anybody on your in your life or on your social media that that makes you question yourself in even the smallest way, get rid of them. Like I've had to unfollow friends and people that I actually really like, but sometimes their content was triggering me. And it was I was left comparing myself and thinking, well, I want what you've got, you know, you've now got a fiance and a baby. And actually, I'm great at collecting fiance's, I just can't marry them. I just seem to have this. But when I was absorbing what they were doing, I was feeling a little bit jaded. And like, I don't like that. So as much as I'd stop and talk to this lovely lady in the street, I unfollowed her because I thought I don't need to see that.

Rosie Parsons  41:35  
And how did she take that? Like, have you had any backlash from people that have been like, Oh, that's not very friendly.

Lisa Kelly  41:41  
No, not yet. Not yet. No one said it to me if they've noticed that I've unfollowed them. No, I haven't had the conversation. So we'll see that another time. But yeah, well, I quickly Googled it. There's a NLP practice, or is it NLP? It's EFT tapping, and it's about, you know, accepting yourself like one of the phrases in it where you're tapping through the meridian points is I deeply and completely loved myself. You know, I love myself anyway, it's all that kind of language. And quite often, basically, Google if you or YouTube, Brad Yates self love EFT, it'll come up with a little five minute routine. And you can read more into that if you want. But I've done some EFT, tapping routines on some, it was actually on money issues and self worth. And they really cleared the blocks for me. And I think it's a really powerful tool. So that's one that you could Google as well. So there's sort of different things there.

Rosie Parsons  42:49  
Oh, that's amazing. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. Lisa. It's been really great chatting to you and yeah, feeling better.

Lisa Kelly  42:58  
Thank you so much for having me and inviting me. I am very passionate about this. And I'm like, I really Yeah, I love it. So it life gets to be different for all of us. Like we get to have a different relationship and experience of ourselves. So it starts today. Yes, good.

Rosie Parsons  43:17  
Yeah, brilliant. Wasn't Lisa such a breath of fresh air. It just shows how positively it could affect your life and how you relate to others when you're kind to yourself. Lisa has given us a chance to let one lucky person with a one to 160 minutes self love coaching session with her valued at £95. To win all you need to do is to subscribe to the podcast, leave a rating and share the podcast on your social media. When you've done that email a screenshot of your share to me at with the subject line self love competition by the 31st of January 2023.